Changing my behavior and my old ways of thinking is very difficult for me at times and especially today.  I want to be selfless and not be concerned with myself, as I’ve stated many times before, but it just doesn’t come that easily.  I get tired of having feelings of self-pity, and this worn-down feeling only adds more weight to my self-pity.  For some reason it is taking me longer to process these feelings than it has in the recent past and I’m experiencing moments of apathy.  I’ve noticed that it’s during these times of internal struggle that I realize the progress that I’ve made, but rather than valuing the progress I see it all as failed efforts.   That’s where my thinking needs to change.  When I see the progress, I MUST value it.  It’s amazing and scary to me how quickly my negativity “switch” can be flicked on.

Today I’m picturing myself climbing out of the deep dark hole of addiction, anxiety, and depression.  The next rung on the ladder is broken.  Rather than grabbing that rung and falling back into the hole, I will stretch myself to reach the next rung above and continue my ascent out of the dark and into the light.

– Thomas S. Monson

I felt the power of this emotion and tried my hardest to accept it and re-engage with life.  After struggling with these thoughts and emotions I remembered that it was ok to feel that way.  Rather than try to run from those feelings and find a quick reprieve I needed to let my feelings and emotions run their course.  I’m sure I’m not the only human upset about gas prices and worried about financial security.  Therefore, it’s quite natural to feel what I felt.  Why should I run from it?

My test is to learn how to not let these emotions effect how I interact with others and how I think about myself.  Gas prices are out of my control.  They have nothing to do with the person I am.  I can choose to take action against the situation, or I can choose to let the situation take control of me.  I’ve chosen to ask God how to take action against this and to help me learn how to handle these emotions when I feel them in the presence of others.  I see this as another opportunity he is giving me to turn my weaknesses into strengths.  Another opportunity to stretch myself, rather than shrink.

This is more proof to me that my sanity is directly tied to my spirituality. In rehab, I was promised to see many things change for the better in my life if I agreed to turn my will over to God and add consistent structure to my life. As I strive to make progress and channel my thoughts through God, the promises continue to surface in front of me.

The Promises:

“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

– Samuel M. Shoemaker

While I am part of the cause of their pain, I have cleaned my side of the street.  I have been honest in confessing my past and expressing regret.  Now I give them to God.  I ask God to give everything I want for myself to be given to them.  I ask God to give them health, prosperity, and happiness.  That is all I can do.

For far to long I have been trying to control and arrange everything around me in my own cunning ways and I have never received what I’ve been trying to grasp.  I’ve found great relief in handing all things over to God.  He knows how to run the show and he knows how it will end.  He can take my past mistakes and the people I’ve harmed and deal with them in his way.  The key is that he does take them, and I don’t hold on to them any more.

I find continual peace in reciting the Serenity Prayer and remembering how it applies to me.  It reminds me that there are things (people, places, institutions, events, etc.) outside of myself that I cannot control, and that accepting this reality will provide me peace.  It reminds me that I am most capable of changing my defects of character with the help of God.  And it reassures me that God will help me see the fine line between these two extremes.

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”

–Reinhold Niebuhr

– Sri Sathya Sai Baba

When I was at my wits end and was ready to end my own life I didn’t believe there was any person, any medication, any substance that could save me. I was desperate and willing to try anything to relieve myself from the pain I was experiencing. Thankfully I agreed to go to a rehab facility where I learned that there is hope, no matter what malady anyone has. In my darkest hour of despair I was asked by a group of recovering alcoholics/addicts, who had the hope and happiness in their lives that I was looking for, if I wanted what they had (contentment) and if I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. With tears streaming down my face I responded “yes”.

The answer to all my dilemmas, which I did not expect to hear, was to surrender everything to God. “How could God help?” I thought. “God doesn’t like me. He has his favorites and I’m not one of them. What could God possible do to help me out of this situation?” I was raised in a religious home and community and I always felt worse about myself when I went to church, so how could God be the answer? It was then that I was reminded that I said I was willing to go to any lengths to get better. So I gave God another chance and began with Step 1 of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step program.

I have let God back into my life and I can’t recall the last time I was this content with life. Daily I give him my will and ask to be in tune to what he would have me do. “The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him.” — Neal A. Maxwell

The Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” says, “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection”. What a relief! I don’t have to be perfect. In fact, I’m not expected to be perfect by God. But I can accomplish progress one day at a time. So much peace can be found in just focusing on 24 hours at a time. No thoughts of past mistakes or regrets, and no thoughts of possible future tragedies, but just focusing on what can be accomplished today and asking God to help you in your efforts. “Work on God’s business and God will work on yours.”

I’m finding my peace in finding my God. I’m loving my life by loving myself. I’m ready for what the future holds by progressing today.

I pray that God can be found by all who suffer mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, because God is waiting to help.

–Neal A. Maxwell

Why am I so unwilling to admit I’m weak at certain things in my life?  Do I see myself as a hunter/gatherer, and have the motto of “Only the Strong Survive”? That if I don’t present myself as Trogg the Alpha male I’ll become extinct? Is it because I see people with a lot of confidence and passion for life and think they look happy so I need to be like them, even if it means I fake it? Why can’t I be content with myself?

The answer that I’ve found is that I’m looking to the wrong places for joy, and to the wrong people for acceptance. I get too caught up with my job and competing with coworkers and begin wondering how I’m perceived by my coworkers and boss. Since these people don’t know me, I shouldn’t care what they think about me. I need to focus on my family and let work stay at work. When I’m open with my family and close friends, I’ll gain the confidence I need from them.